NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS…WE ARE EDIDAS!

Part One – IN THE BEGINNING

It was a confusing time.

Punk’s politburo had deemed football politically incorrect and Thatcher blamed the game for many of society’s ills.

We’d fed the world, Mandela had been released and the Conservative government had “ditched the bitch” – denying us the joy of voting her out.

Women wanted a wonder bra; a topless ‘new’ man holding a baby…or undressing in a launderette while Marvin sang. Preferably all three

A very confusing time.

Chris loved cricket.

As a youngster he’d played the game ‘Owzthat!’.

Containing two six sided dice and a scorebook, one die – the batting die – is labelled

1, 2, 3, 4, ‘owzthat’ and 6.

This die was thrown by the ‘batting’ side until “Owzthat” was rolled.

The second – umpire die – labelled ‘bowled’, ‘stumped’, ‘caught’, ‘not out’, ‘no ball’, and ‘LBW.’ was then rolled to decide the fate of the ‘batsman’ until the team were bowled out.

Just like the real thing!

Usually played between two players, Owzthat’s simple approach of entering teams, their players and performances into a scorebook also enabled boys to play it alone.

Playing many test and county matches in his room – Chris chose this route.

Steve loved football.

Aged 9 he discovered the table top game Subbuteo.

A simulation of ‘real’ Football, it involved a certain level of skill in flicking the inch high plastic figures across the pitch to score a goal.

The rules were impossible to understand but it was all pretty exciting nonetheless!

Obsessively collecting as many teams as possible, Steve played all the usual league and cup competitions including the 1974 World Cup.

Occasionally, Steve let a friend join in with these competitions too.

Pete loved football and Subbuteo.

With only his older sisters to play with, the joy of kneeling on little plastic men was a boyhood thrill he experienced all on his own.

Sidetracked by his keen interest in stamp collecting; Pete also discovered the joy of listening to Yes.

A very confusing time.

As hooliganism and racism took a firm grip on the terraces, music, girls and being cool took centre stage for Steve, Pete and Chris.

Having failed at all three, their paths eventually crossed in Steve’s home town of Brighton in 1980.

Sharing a love of dope smoking, board games and a hatred of Margaret Hilda Thatcher – the three would regularly meet, talk nonsense and moan about the Tories.

10 years later, SHE was gone.

Steve, Pete and Chris needed another outlet for their obsession.

Then it happened.

ITALIA 90.

After Maradonna’s hand of God in Mexico ’86, England had scraped though the qualifiers and were on their way to Italy.

Not only was there an unusually good song for the England campaign (New Order’s “World In Motion”) but we had half decent players in Lineker & Gascoigne too. Could it be…?

In addition to this, post Bradford and Hillsborough disasters, the F.A. had been dragged kicking and screaming into a slightly newer age of health & safety regulation.

Ecstasy hit the terraces and stadiums became family friendly – It was almost OK to like football again.

A very confusing time!.

When Chris first introduced Steve to Owzthat they didn’t know any cricketers names to enter into the scorebook so they made up imaginary teams to while away the hours.

Mainly consisting of ‘Good vs Evil’ battles, the Thatcher led Conservative government usually represented ‘Evil’ while almost anybody else could make up the teams battling for the ‘good’ of society.

Steve quickly became frustrated at the level of skill needed to play the game – zero.

However, he loved both the concept of the battle against Evil and the complicated scoring that went with the game.

Steve’s idea of hell was being dragged around boot sales on Sunday mornings in search of “bargains”.

It was during one such nightmare, push chair in one hand, doughnut in the other that a beautiful greenish glow caught his eye on a stall.

Head swirling with justifying Thunderbirds toys for the kids and getting home as soon as possible – the legend “Subbuteo” drilled deep into his subconscious.

The stall owner was fully aware what that glazed look meant and, throwing Steve a basic kit of goals, teams, pitch and ball; said “take the lot, I can’t use it anymore”.

Quickly throwing “it” into the cavity at the back of the Maclaren pushchair, Steve felt strangely content.

Back home, with the kids in bed – Steve stared at his new acquisition…What’s a boy to do?

Call Pete!

Having ironed the green baize cloth, the two set about trying to remember how to play the game.

Taking their lead from the Owzthat! teams, The “Independent Grocers” took on The “Multi National Supermarkets”.

Neither of them can remember the score now but the beginning had begun!

Cricket and Rugby was his bag, so Chris had never played Subbuteo before.

When Steve and Pete introduced it to Chris he was intrigued by this new game.

Although he struggled at first, as the elder statesman of the trio, Chris was determined to crack this nut.

As time went on, the three of them would regularly get together to play round robins and each of them began to form a team borne of their own identities or interests.

Steve’s interest with fascists led him to form The Fascist FC but soon ran out of interesting dictators of Hitler & Thatcher’s calibre.

Ronald Reagan was his centre forward; being both a former President AND a crap actor – this gave Steve an idea.

With Reagan qualifying on both counts, Steve announced the arrival of FCA – the “Fascists & Crap Actors”.

In the spirit of Good vs Evil, and an attempt to play the ‘good guy’, Pete put together a collection of black activists along with some faded celebrities he had worked with.

His “Davenport Town Shitters” boasted Nelson Mandela, Steve Biko and Chuck Berry along with the relatively unknown Dave The Motherfucker.

Meanwhile, Chris’ hatred of the Conservative government’s hypocrisy was busy influencing his choice of players.
One by one, Thatcher’s heirs were getting themselves sacked for breaking their own rules….while lambasting the rest of us for it. From this germ of an idea, Chris formed the “Tory Rejects”

If you’d been sacked, you were in.

The likes of Jeffery Archer, Norman Lamont and Geoffrey Howe eagerly awaited former colleagues to join them, post humiliating interview at the mansion house gates with the red faced but “supportive” wife – in tow.

This triumvirate of madness seemed unstoppable….could they recruit another lunatic to their group?

Another former flicker was Steve’s old boss from his days at Virgin Records – Steve Pulling.

Mr. Pulling, whose equal love of Tottenham Hotspurs and jazz cigarettes formed “THC FC” and was integral to the formation of a Premiership with Steve, Pete and Chris in 1993.

However, Mr. P preferred to play a classic 60s Spurs squad and quickly distanced himself from the ‘fantasy’ nature of the other teams.

Feeling he wasn’t being taken seriously, he never turned up for the competition and THC FC were thrown out of the league without ever kicking a ball.

In the inaugural ’93 Premiership, Blackburn Rovers narrowly beat FCA to the top spot; but to be honest, nobody really knew how to ‘flick to kick’ properly – despite the retro rule books being pored over for days on end.

Steve Pulling briefly returned to the fold for the 1994 World Cup and despite reaching the final (via the “comeback of the century” against Steve during an LSD trip) he went down 13-14 to Pete in a thrilling ninety minute final.

While the makers claimed ‘realistic action’, Steve and Pete wanted more.

Not much could be done about the size of the ball in relation to the players but somebody had to try to reconcile the ‘official’ Subbuteo off-side rule with the Premier League’s ultra confusing new one.