Margaret Thatcher arrived for training this morning – as usual – scotching rumours of her death.

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” She said.

“the fact we are gathered here, now, shocked but composed and determined, is a sign not only that this attack has failed….” She went on.

I stand before you today in FCAs lovely orange strip with blue base, the No 7 on my shirt beautifully crafted by a Chinese peasant, my face softly made up, my fair hair gently waved. The Iron Lady of the Western World? Me? A cold war warrior? Well, yes – if that is how they wish to interpret my performance on the wing. My goal scoring and assist record speaks for itself.
And I owe nothing to women’s lib”.